Sunday, November 17, 2013
listing out
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*SOLAT
makan minum
a dash of art
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TIME
blog
FB
archery
prefect
cooke
exams
file
study system
sleep time
*SOLAT
makan minum
a dash of art
family_._._
camera
pilot
shirts
shoes
phone
TIME
i'm tired
its 11 and i'm waiting.. half-packed luggage. overthinking mind. messy room. unsettled things. Ya Allah, permudahkan segalanya untukku, dan satu lagi kuatkanlah aku dalaman dan luaran. Aamiin.
the next day
I cant remember much as it was 4 days ago. But I remembered I was forced to take music exam eventho mama dah text c.mazrul that I quit (which what he wants and happy to hear). I just scrambelled everything with Maria, Ainun and Aimi. Keluar sama2. Paper 2jamsetengah. Jawab 1jam je. Naik kelas, bising dan panas as usual. Group sana sini. So went to my own place, kerusi takda, d*mn. Take out my sejarah book..went to the most front table..and sit down on the floor there and read sejarah. As I read, I felt sleepy and yes, I slept. This happened after recess since sejarah start pukul 12:50 _.._ Compressed everything at once. And poured it all out at once during exam. Good system *thumbsup* After school theres a meeting among the TOP5. Solat. Terus meeting, bincang about VISION OF PREFECTORIAL BOARD 2014 :) Theres a lot. B.A.N.Y.A.K. One by one kena go through together detail by detail. Problems. Solutions. Questions. Answers.
when theres nothing to do at school
Tuesday. 12/11/13.
It was fine at the morning..in the house. Had breakfast with dad, Ain, Ahmad.. Had some humour :) Then, off to school with mom. Reach school. Went to Prefects' Chamber. It was unlock. Did some rearrangement inside, some cleaning, then Zhi Kang came. Talk..talk..talk.. Not many who came that day since it was only Accounts exam. I remembered only five form four prefects who came, plus TOP5 minus 1 since Ash didn't come, there were only Aqilah, Jas, Janice, Suzan and Aiman. It was shameful as the form 4s are examples to the new prefects. We were very disappointed. Roll call went really weird but smooth as we are professionals^^. We have this schedule of emcees so I'm the emcee of the day. It went through good. Skylite seems empty as the form 3s, form 5s and 80% of form 4s were absent. After assembly, Mazrul wanted to see me. When I went down the stage and towards him, Liyana came to me, so we both stucked with him. Half way through the conversation, pn nurul ain came and pull me out of it forawhile talking about exams since I'm free for the day. Sadly mazrul pull me back in and take Liyana and I to the SU peperiksaan room to check the timeteable for him to insert music exam in it. But then, it ended up in his long-blabbing-talk about subject music. Guts! Sakit dada rasa nak emm je haeshh. The way he talks to me about music and the way he talks to Liyana about it, d*mn, the difference. As if I've nothing and the others have everything. Terasa bodoh di situ. Only silence I could make. And it lasts for one thousand and eight hundred seconds. Do not ask how it ended. Ya Allah, bila teringat balik kejadian ni, sungguh. Wallahualam. Hmmm. Mood for exam *lost*. Since we were at the 1st floor, Liyana said that tg noor ask for our help. So, we went to her room. And I said something bad about the last scene. Istighfar. In her room, there were Imran and Tengku inside. Am guessing they were there to help her too. While waiting for the task, t.noor came to Imran (yang tengah check file alpha *doom*) As expected, my name came out from her mouth. She said, "Where's your file tijani, I don't care, I'm going to deduct 20marks, full mark" more or less like that. And she whisper to me "I'm gonna kick you out from alpha" :) <-- see this smile. its fake. good aite. how broken I was. at that time. and Liyana (survivor) told me "Pergi call mama awak, mintak hantar file tu, pergi, don't mix up everything". damn these tears. keluar tak bagi signal. went off to the toilet. screaming inside. punching out everything that I could. oh only god knows what I felt. ya Allah.. off to b.disiplin. get pas telefon. call my dear. Thank goodness she picked up.. Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah.. How I wish I could talk longer... P.Pauline saw me, she was about to be mad, but when she saw my face, she ask me whether I'm okay or not..I was touched.really. After that I went to the toilet to wash all this mess at my face. then I called my mama,
"Ma, boleh tolong kakna tak..*sobbing*"
"kenapa ni"
"mama tolong kakna ma"
"kenapa ni na"
"cikgu.."
"kenapa nangis ni..cikgu marah ke"
"hmm, ma tolong kak na ma"
"okay..tolong apa.."
"tolong..tolong bawakkan file maths kakna.."
"okay..yang mana"
"ada..dalam kotak..warna merah"
"okay..nanti mama letak dkt guradhouse"
"o.." *teeettttttttttttt* "kay"
I'm lost in my thoughts of.hm. Istighfar banyak2. Dah jangan nangis. No one can beat you after this. Cry as long and hard as you can. But after this no more tears running down that cheek for the same reason. No more hard feelings for the same reason. You are stronger than anyone could be. Who damn cares about you anymore. You yourself has to stand up. No more turning back. Forget about it. Wipe those tears away. You can do this. Even alone. Yes I can. *punch some air and some words out* Be strong.
Return the pas telefon. P.Rumaizah asked me to take bio exam at that time. I didn't answer yet but she said "takpelah, awak ambik lepas rehat, awak tengah sedih kan, takpe takpe" it sounds a bit sarcastic, but thank you for being understanding. tears fall off again. d*mn where did they came from. Then, I took my bag and went to 4th floor. Terserempak dgn pn nurul ain. Dia tanya okay tak ni..a..lot..of..times.. these kind of teachers, how I wish there were thousands of them in my school. So. I was alone. At 4 Alpha. Centre of class. All lights and fans were on. *Headdesk* tears. tears. tears. take out my almathurat. done with that. take my deep breath inn and outt. and read my bio book for exam. fell asleep. woke up and continue reading. meanwhile, liyana came in and sit the table next to me. perhaps she knows that I hate it when people came to me when i'm at that condition. she open her sejarah book and read. reach one point. she ask me something and I answered. and so the conversation continues. which made my day. liyana taught me some sejarah at the white board. and music too, eventho I have no heart for it anymore. when the clock srikes 10. sama2 kita turun makan untuk mengisi perut dan menambahbaik kan lagi mood yang hilang tadi. since our head girl was taking exam, liyana in charge of giving out duties for recess duty to the form 4s. then both of us duty at the canteen. "oosom, sape kalah kena halau" well, I lost :) halau students dengan aqilah and aiman. Duty over, Liyana ajak kacau head girl dekat library. Ada Zhi Kang, kacau dia dulu. then *double07moodon* to the back of library. *BOO!* she.was.surprised. :D I bet she's happy by having us as her penolongs ^.^ we decided to take our bags and stayed at the library. but then, something happened. bismillahhirrahmannirrahim. while we were on 4th floor. going to our class. we suddenly heard suzanna's voice singing *ohohbuluromaberdiritegak* just for 2 seconds. we notice that it was from 4 gamma. so we went in. theres only megat and daniel lying on the table sleeping. lights were off. fans on top of them that were switched on. we thought it was nothing. so we went to 4 alpha and enjoyed some kitkat^^ when we've done with kitkat, we went out of class, switch everything off. then. decided to check out 4 gamma again. I went in first. Check at all corners of the class. There was nothing. I am sure of that. No girl at all. But we heard a girl sang. Then, I said
"memang betul lah. ada benda."
"hesh, manada"
"betullah. benda2 ni ada, cuma kita jangan takut je, kena kuat"
so we went off. and at that moment. we didn't even care about that moment until the next day which is Wednesday when everybody came to school and we told them the story and Liyana and I went like "haahlah. ada kaitan" (next post I'll story about that) When we reach the library, I took a book that had a cover with twins. Interested. Sat down at the couch. With Liyana and Zhi Kang. Few minutes after that, Miss Nina came in with depressed face. I offered her my help. And she accept it ^^. Tarik Liyana sekali since she's alone. Suzan was there too (weforgotaboutthemomentatthistime). We all went to PBS room. It.was.NEW. then liyana said, "oh patutlah..dulu sini kosong. remember form2?" baru teringat~ Liyana, Suzan and I helped teacher with form 1Gigih's PBS on English. Miss Nina sempat meluahkan masalah2 dan rintangan2 yang dihadapi dengan PSS, PBS, PCS :D (pusat sumber sekolah, pentaksiran berasaskan sekolah, pengetua cemerlang sekolah) While we were arranging and writing, we sang songs together in whispers and soft tone that only 4 of us can hear it and of course Liyana and Suzan made it nice, me, I'm making it worse. hoho. but then miss Nina said "owh,.you guys sing songs to entertain me" then she laughed :) it feels good to see someone happy because of us. then miss Nina discuss with me about my English paper while the two were busy marking alpha's oral test. She said I started with the wrong verse, am suppose to just copy the meaning of bully from the info given but I made my own meaning of bully -.- I just smiled. Tho I continue my work with harsh. Its 1pm, Liyana mintak permission cikgu nak call abg ngah dia, then ajak ku teman. B.disiplin tutup. Call dkt skylite. Meanwhile, pn noria baru nak tegur kitaorang. Few seconds later.....buku jatuh dari tingkat atas O.O *ohoh.* Terkejut semua. "Buku rujukan komsas tingkatan 4" then I said, "ni dari tingkat 4 ni cikgu. tingkatan 4" (we thought it was nothing..until) So, Liyana continued to call her abg ngah. Done. We went to PBS room to clean the files and papers. Suzan went home first. Liyana and I helped Miss Nina to bring her stuff to the library since our bag is there too. It was 1:50 already. Liyana wished me luck for my exam and went home. Then, I U-turn from library to go to b.disiplin using stairs C. Terserempak with Miss Nina (shesonherwaytolibrary) and I told her
"teacher, your bags are on your table already :)" she replied "oh dear thank you" and she opened her arms for a hug o.o saya sambut..and told her "be strong :)" you know, the way she response and replied amazed me. Cant tell through words. It feels like someone appreciate me when I'm there for that person even in the busiest time even for few seconds. After all I've been through today..this is the best part of it. Hmmm so then I took my bio paper after school since after rehat p.rumaizah wasn't in her room. Took it at makmal sains 1. After I've done, I went down, call mama, coz it was 4pm, I finished early. Mama was outside already. Early. On the way home, mama tanya kenapa tadi, so I just tell her nahh cikgulah and so on.. That was it. The unexpected kind of day. And I managed to go through it without running to surau and hide there for the 3rd time. I'm sorry for any mistake in this post. Thank you all.
It was fine at the morning..in the house. Had breakfast with dad, Ain, Ahmad.. Had some humour :) Then, off to school with mom. Reach school. Went to Prefects' Chamber. It was unlock. Did some rearrangement inside, some cleaning, then Zhi Kang came. Talk..talk..talk.. Not many who came that day since it was only Accounts exam. I remembered only five form four prefects who came, plus TOP5 minus 1 since Ash didn't come, there were only Aqilah, Jas, Janice, Suzan and Aiman. It was shameful as the form 4s are examples to the new prefects. We were very disappointed. Roll call went really weird but smooth as we are professionals^^. We have this schedule of emcees so I'm the emcee of the day. It went through good. Skylite seems empty as the form 3s, form 5s and 80% of form 4s were absent. After assembly, Mazrul wanted to see me. When I went down the stage and towards him, Liyana came to me, so we both stucked with him. Half way through the conversation, pn nurul ain came and pull me out of it forawhile talking about exams since I'm free for the day. Sadly mazrul pull me back in and take Liyana and I to the SU peperiksaan room to check the timeteable for him to insert music exam in it. But then, it ended up in his long-blabbing-talk about subject music. Guts! Sakit dada rasa nak emm je haeshh. The way he talks to me about music and the way he talks to Liyana about it, d*mn, the difference. As if I've nothing and the others have everything. Terasa bodoh di situ. Only silence I could make. And it lasts for one thousand and eight hundred seconds. Do not ask how it ended. Ya Allah, bila teringat balik kejadian ni, sungguh. Wallahualam. Hmmm. Mood for exam *lost*. Since we were at the 1st floor, Liyana said that tg noor ask for our help. So, we went to her room. And I said something bad about the last scene. Istighfar. In her room, there were Imran and Tengku inside. Am guessing they were there to help her too. While waiting for the task, t.noor came to Imran (yang tengah check file alpha *doom*) As expected, my name came out from her mouth. She said, "Where's your file tijani, I don't care, I'm going to deduct 20marks, full mark" more or less like that. And she whisper to me "I'm gonna kick you out from alpha" :) <-- see this smile. its fake. good aite. how broken I was. at that time. and Liyana (survivor) told me "Pergi call mama awak, mintak hantar file tu, pergi, don't mix up everything". damn these tears. keluar tak bagi signal. went off to the toilet. screaming inside. punching out everything that I could. oh only god knows what I felt. ya Allah.. off to b.disiplin. get pas telefon. call my dear. Thank goodness she picked up.. Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah.. How I wish I could talk longer... P.Pauline saw me, she was about to be mad, but when she saw my face, she ask me whether I'm okay or not..I was touched.really. After that I went to the toilet to wash all this mess at my face. then I called my mama,
"Ma, boleh tolong kakna tak..*sobbing*"
"kenapa ni"
"mama tolong kakna ma"
"kenapa ni na"
"cikgu.."
"kenapa nangis ni..cikgu marah ke"
"hmm, ma tolong kak na ma"
"okay..tolong apa.."
"tolong..tolong bawakkan file maths kakna.."
"okay..yang mana"
"ada..dalam kotak..warna merah"
"okay..nanti mama letak dkt guradhouse"
"o.." *teeettttttttttttt* "kay"
I'm lost in my thoughts of.hm. Istighfar banyak2. Dah jangan nangis. No one can beat you after this. Cry as long and hard as you can. But after this no more tears running down that cheek for the same reason. No more hard feelings for the same reason. You are stronger than anyone could be. Who damn cares about you anymore. You yourself has to stand up. No more turning back. Forget about it. Wipe those tears away. You can do this. Even alone. Yes I can. *punch some air and some words out* Be strong.
Return the pas telefon. P.Rumaizah asked me to take bio exam at that time. I didn't answer yet but she said "takpelah, awak ambik lepas rehat, awak tengah sedih kan, takpe takpe" it sounds a bit sarcastic, but thank you for being understanding. tears fall off again. d*mn where did they came from. Then, I took my bag and went to 4th floor. Terserempak dgn pn nurul ain. Dia tanya okay tak ni..a..lot..of..times.. these kind of teachers, how I wish there were thousands of them in my school. So. I was alone. At 4 Alpha. Centre of class. All lights and fans were on. *Headdesk* tears. tears. tears. take out my almathurat. done with that. take my deep breath inn and outt. and read my bio book for exam. fell asleep. woke up and continue reading. meanwhile, liyana came in and sit the table next to me. perhaps she knows that I hate it when people came to me when i'm at that condition. she open her sejarah book and read. reach one point. she ask me something and I answered. and so the conversation continues. which made my day. liyana taught me some sejarah at the white board. and music too, eventho I have no heart for it anymore. when the clock srikes 10. sama2 kita turun makan untuk mengisi perut dan menambahbaik kan lagi mood yang hilang tadi. since our head girl was taking exam, liyana in charge of giving out duties for recess duty to the form 4s. then both of us duty at the canteen. "oosom, sape kalah kena halau" well, I lost :) halau students dengan aqilah and aiman. Duty over, Liyana ajak kacau head girl dekat library. Ada Zhi Kang, kacau dia dulu. then *double07moodon* to the back of library. *BOO!* she.was.surprised. :D I bet she's happy by having us as her penolongs ^.^ we decided to take our bags and stayed at the library. but then, something happened. bismillahhirrahmannirrahim. while we were on 4th floor. going to our class. we suddenly heard suzanna's voice singing *ohohbuluromaberdiritegak* just for 2 seconds. we notice that it was from 4 gamma. so we went in. theres only megat and daniel lying on the table sleeping. lights were off. fans on top of them that were switched on. we thought it was nothing. so we went to 4 alpha and enjoyed some kitkat^^ when we've done with kitkat, we went out of class, switch everything off. then. decided to check out 4 gamma again. I went in first. Check at all corners of the class. There was nothing. I am sure of that. No girl at all. But we heard a girl sang. Then, I said
"memang betul lah. ada benda."
"hesh, manada"
"betullah. benda2 ni ada, cuma kita jangan takut je, kena kuat"
so we went off. and at that moment. we didn't even care about that moment until the next day which is Wednesday when everybody came to school and we told them the story and Liyana and I went like "haahlah. ada kaitan" (next post I'll story about that) When we reach the library, I took a book that had a cover with twins. Interested. Sat down at the couch. With Liyana and Zhi Kang. Few minutes after that, Miss Nina came in with depressed face. I offered her my help. And she accept it ^^. Tarik Liyana sekali since she's alone. Suzan was there too (weforgotaboutthemomentatthistime). We all went to PBS room. It.was.NEW. then liyana said, "oh patutlah..dulu sini kosong. remember form2?" baru teringat~ Liyana, Suzan and I helped teacher with form 1Gigih's PBS on English. Miss Nina sempat meluahkan masalah2 dan rintangan2 yang dihadapi dengan PSS, PBS, PCS :D (pusat sumber sekolah, pentaksiran berasaskan sekolah, pengetua cemerlang sekolah) While we were arranging and writing, we sang songs together in whispers and soft tone that only 4 of us can hear it and of course Liyana and Suzan made it nice, me, I'm making it worse. hoho. but then miss Nina said "owh,.you guys sing songs to entertain me" then she laughed :) it feels good to see someone happy because of us. then miss Nina discuss with me about my English paper while the two were busy marking alpha's oral test. She said I started with the wrong verse, am suppose to just copy the meaning of bully from the info given but I made my own meaning of bully -.- I just smiled. Tho I continue my work with harsh. Its 1pm, Liyana mintak permission cikgu nak call abg ngah dia, then ajak ku teman. B.disiplin tutup. Call dkt skylite. Meanwhile, pn noria baru nak tegur kitaorang. Few seconds later.....buku jatuh dari tingkat atas O.O *ohoh.* Terkejut semua. "Buku rujukan komsas tingkatan 4" then I said, "ni dari tingkat 4 ni cikgu. tingkatan 4" (we thought it was nothing..until) So, Liyana continued to call her abg ngah. Done. We went to PBS room to clean the files and papers. Suzan went home first. Liyana and I helped Miss Nina to bring her stuff to the library since our bag is there too. It was 1:50 already. Liyana wished me luck for my exam and went home. Then, I U-turn from library to go to b.disiplin using stairs C. Terserempak with Miss Nina (shesonherwaytolibrary) and I told her
"teacher, your bags are on your table already :)" she replied "oh dear thank you" and she opened her arms for a hug o.o saya sambut..and told her "be strong :)" you know, the way she response and replied amazed me. Cant tell through words. It feels like someone appreciate me when I'm there for that person even in the busiest time even for few seconds. After all I've been through today..this is the best part of it. Hmmm so then I took my bio paper after school since after rehat p.rumaizah wasn't in her room. Took it at makmal sains 1. After I've done, I went down, call mama, coz it was 4pm, I finished early. Mama was outside already. Early. On the way home, mama tanya kenapa tadi, so I just tell her nahh cikgulah and so on.. That was it. The unexpected kind of day. And I managed to go through it without running to surau and hide there for the 3rd time. I'm sorry for any mistake in this post. Thank you all.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
its 5am
going to school..it was a pleasure. now's a 50-50. but need to push myself ikhlaskan diri. especially utk prefectorial board. insyaAllah saya dpt teruskan kehidupan. mengembara ialah suatu minat. and its in me. waiting to explode. allrite. till then.
blog..gantikan tempat SB sekejap eh...
whats in my head right now according to its priority..
1. Solat *especiallyisya'
2. awok
3. tumblr
4. archery
5. training
6. Prefects
7. daily news
8. studies
9. kawan
10. students
normality: my family.
1. Solat *especiallyisya'
2. awok
3. tumblr
4. archery
5. training
6. Prefects
7. daily news
8. studies
9. kawan
10. students
normality: my family.
its 4:30am
org selalu doakan yg terbaik utk dia. buat elok2 SPM kali ni. like I said. its your own battle. you win, your glory. banyak dah dia korbankan utk SPM. jangan lupa titik peluh diri sendiri. buat jadi pembakar semangat. my prayers has always been with you. 9A+ utk dia :) and its okay if its not 9A+. dia ada masa depan lg :) but if it is, you'll sure be proud of it^^ hm..how time flies~ one day i'll be the pilot.
you
its been a loooooooooong period of time that we've been away from each other.. and still. I miss you like h*ll. I know. I've been quite not me. since august I guess. yeah, thoughts been coming to me like waterfall. and I cant do anything to stop it. bad thoughts. hm. dealing with myself. family. school. and surrounding. doesn't make it any better. needed you. unfortunately. yea. you're away. advising people is easy. doing it is not. 'stay strong' 'don't cry' 'go to sleep' 'i'll be there' 'don't give up' it all seems difficult to accept. and everything that happens to me seems to let me down. to the ground. no one's gonna help me this time. everybody's pulling away. I guess it really happens. things are being loved and people are being used. I care about you. maybe its too much or too little. i'm sorry. theres never been a moment that I don't think about you. its been four months I cant sleep well. like tonite. i'll end up at my tumblr posting pictures. to express. to get away. sometimes to just stay awake. if I did fell asleep early, i'm tired. idk why people like to keep secrets. even me. is it worth it? the lies that we told/ the truth that we keep. how far does it bring us. it will only worsen the situation. that's what I've been through. but to tell when the time's not right. what good does it bring. you have your world that I only known few. I tried my best. coz whenever i'm with you. it feels like its just you. theres so many stuffs dreams lets hopes that I hoped. for you. and me. but that. kills it all. im so sad. Idk whether you still care or love me anymore. coz what I feel is that i'm not 'that person' anymore. someone else is there. I can feel it in my bones. tried to push that thought away. but that thought keeps coming back. and messing up my mind like tornado. day and night. if ever it is true. its okay. you can just let me go. its hard tho. but that's the best. if it is not true. forgive me for being d*mn negative for all this while. because your absence here really kills me. like a lot. wow. the pressure. now that my mind had set-up itself to not care about studies anymore, to not care about feelings anymore, to be stone-hearted, to go against everyone that against me, to be good outside but bad inside. oh how I wish I could reset it one day. how I wish I am 14 back. that me. so miss it. I don't want to grow older. I want to stay 14 forever. when adventure is ahead. when I am strong. when I have you. when the world makes sense.
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